It was common knowledge that Smugg was engaged to
Familiarity had robbed the fact of
some of its surprisingness, but there remained a substratum
of wonder, not removed even by the sight of his betrothed’s
photograph and the information that she was a distant
relative who had been brought up with him from infancy.
The features and the explanation between them rescued
Smugg from the incongruity of a romance, but we united
in the opinion that the lady was ill-advised in preferring
Smugg to solitude. Still, for all that he was
a ridiculous creature, she did, and hence it happened
that Smugg, desiring to form a furnishing fund, organized
a reading party, which Gayford, Tritton, Bird, and
I at once joined.
Every morning at nine Smugg, his breakfast
finished, cleared his corner of the table, opened
his books, and assumed an expectant air; so Mary the
maid told us; we were never there ourselves; we breakfasted
at 9.30 or 10 o’clock, and only about 11 did
we clear our corners, light our pipes, open our books,
and discuss the prospects of the day.
As we discussed them, Smugg construed
in a gentle bleat; what he construed or why he construed
it (seeing that nobody heeded him) was a mystery;
the whole performance was simply a tribute to Smugg’s
conscience, and, as such, was received with good-natured,
Suddenly a change came.
One morning there was no Smugg!
Yet he had breakfasted Mary and an eggshell
testified to that effect. He reappeared at 11.30,
confused and very warm (he had exceptional powers
in the way of being warm). We said nothing,
and he began to bleat Horace. In a minute of silence
I happened to hear what it was: it referred to
a lady of the name of Pyrrha; the learned may identify
the passage for themselves. The next day the
same thing happened except that it was close on twelve
before Smugg appeared. Gayford and Tritton took
no notice of the aberration; Bird congratulated Smugg
on the increased docility of his conscience.
I watched him closely as he wiped his brow he
was very warm, indeed. A third time the scene
was enacted; my curiosity was aroused; I made Mary
call me very early, and from the window I espied Smugg
leaving the house at 9.15, and going with rapid, furtive
steps along the little path that led to old Dill’s
tiny farm. I slipped downstairs, bolted a cup
of tea, seized a piece of toast, and followed Smugg.
He was out of sight, but presently I met Joe Shanks,
the butcher’s son, who brought us our chops.
Joe was a stout young man, about twenty-one, red-faced,
burly, and greasy. We used to have many jokes
with Joe; even Smugg had before now broken a mild
shaft of classical wit on him; in fact, we made a
butt of Joe, and his good-humored, muttony smile told
us that he thought it a compliment.
“Seen Mr. Smugg as you came along, Joe?”
“Yes, sir. Gone toward Dill’s farm,
“Ah, Dill’s farm!”
The chop-laden Joe passed on.
I mended my pace, and soon found myself on the outskirts
of Dill’s premises. I had been there before;
we had all been there before. Dill had a daughter.
I saw her now in a sunbonnet and laced boots.
I may say at once that Betsy Dill was very pretty,
in a fine, robust style, and all four of us were decidedly
enamored of her charms. Usually we courted her
in a body, and scrupulous fairness was observed in
the matter of seeking private interviews.
Smugg had never spoken to her so
we should all have sworn. But now my wondering
eyes saw, opposite Pyrrha (we began from this day to
call her Pyrrha) the figure of Smugg. Pyrrha
was leaning against a barn, one foot crossed over
the other, her arms akimbo, a string of her bonnet
in her mouth, and her blue eyes laughing from under
long lashes. Smugg stood limply opposite her,
his trousers bagging over his half-bent knees, his
hat in one hand, and in the other a handkerchief, with
which, from time to time, he mopped his forehead.
I could not hear (of course I did not wish to) what
they were saying; indeed, I have my doubts if they
said anything; but presently Smugg moved a hesitating
step nearer, when Pyrrha, with a merry laugh, darted
by him and ran away, turning a mocking face over her
shoulder. Smugg stood still for a minute, then
put on his hat, looked at his watch, and walked slowly
I did not keep Smugg’s secret;
I felt under no obligation to keep it. He deserved
no mercy, and I exposed him at breakfast that very
morning. But I could not help being a little
sorry for him when he came in. He bent his head
under the shower of reproach, chaff, and gibing; he
did not try to excuse himself; he simply opened his
book at the old place, and we all shouted the old
ode, substituting “Betsa” for “Pyrrha”
wherever we could. Still, in spite of our jocularity,
we all felt an under-current of real anger.
We considered that Smugg was treating
Pyrrha very badly Smugg, an engaged man,
aged thirty, presumably past the heat and carelessness
of youth. We glowed with a sense of her wrongs,
and that afternoon we each went for a solitary walk at
least, we started for a solitary walk but
half an hour later we all met at the gate leading to
Dill’s meadows, and, in an explosion of laughter,
acknowledged our secret design of meeting Pyrrha,
and opening her eyes to Smugg’s iniquity.
The great surprise was still to come.
At eleven the next morning, when we had just sat
down to work, and Smugg had slid into the room with
the stealthy, ashamed air he wore after his morning
excursions, Mary appeared, and told us that Joe Shanks,
the butcher’s son, had come with the chops,
and wanted to speak to us. We hailed the diversion,
and had Joe shown in. Gayford pushed the beer
jug and a glass toward him, saying:
“Help yourself, Joe.”
Joe drank a draught, wiped his mouth on his blue sleeve,
“No offense, gentlemen.”
“None,” said Gayford,
who seemed to have assumed the chairmanship of the
Joe, seeming slightly embarrassed,
cleared his throat, and looked round again.
“No offense, gentlemen,”
he repeated; “but she’s bin walking with
me two years come Michaelmas.”
A pause followed. Then the chairman
expressed the views of the meeting.
“The deuce she has!” said he.
“Off and on,” added Joe candidly.
I looked at Smugg. He had shrunk
down low in his seat, and rested his head on his hand.
His face was half hidden; but he was very warm, and
the drops trickled from his forehead down his nose.
“It seems to be a good deal off,” said
the chairman judicially.
“No offense,” said Joe;
“but I don’t take it kind of you, gentlemen.
I’ve served you faithful.”
“The chops are excellent,” conceded the
“And I don’t take it kind.”
“Develop your complaint,”
said the chairman. “I mean, what’s
the row, Joe?”
“Since you gentlemen came she’s been saucy,”
“I do not see,” observed
the chairman, “that anything can be done.
If Pyrrha prefers us, Joe [he treated the case collectively,
which was certainly wise], what then?”
“Beg pardon, sir?”
“Oh, I mean if the lady prefers us, Joe?”
Joe brought his fat fist down on the table with a
“It aint as if you meant it,”
said he doggedly; “you just unsettles of ’er.
I s’pose I can’t help ye talking, and
laughing, and walking along of ’er, but you
aint no call to kiss ’er.”
Another pause ensued. The chairman
held a consultation with Tritton, who sat on his right
“The meeting,” said Gayford,
“will proceed to declare, one by one, whether
it has ever and if so, how often kissed
the lady. I will begin. Never! Mr.
“Never!” said Tritton.
“Never!” said Bird.
“Never!” said I.
“I seed ’im this very morning!”
cried Joe, like an accusing angel.
Smugg took his hand away from his
face, after giving his wet brow one last dab.
He looked at Gayford and at Joe, but said nothing.
“Mr. Smugg?” repeated the chairman.
“Mr. Smugg,” interposed
Tritton suavely, “probably feels himself in a
difficulty. The secret is not, perhaps, entirely
We all nodded.
“We enter a plea of not guilty
for Mr. Smugg,” observed the chairman gravely.
“I seed ’im do it,” said Joe.
No one spoke. Joe finished his
beer, pulled his forelock, and turned on his heel.
Suddenly Smugg burst into speech. He could hardly
form his words, and they jostled one another in the
breathless confusion of his utterance.
“I I you’ve
no right. I say nothing. If I choose, I
shall no one has a right to stop me.
If I love her if she doesn’t mind I
say nothing nothing at all. I won’t
hear a word. I shall do as I like.”
Joe had paused to hear him, and now
stood looking at him in wonder. Then he stepped
quickly up to the table, and, leaning across, asked
in a harsh voice:
“You mean honest, do you, by
her? You’d make her your wife, would you?”
Smugg, looking straight in front of him, answered:
Joe drew back, touched his forelock again, and said:
“Then it’s fair fighting,
sir, begging your pardon; and no offense. But
the girl was mine first, sir.”
Then Gayford interposed.
“Mr. Smugg,” said he,
“you tell Joe, here, that you’d marry this
lady. May I ask how you can when ”
But for once Smugg was able to silence
one of his pupils. He arose from his seat, and
brought his hand heavily down on Gayford’s shoulder.
“Hold your tongue!” he
cried. “I must answer to God, but I needn’t
answer to you.”
Joe looked at him with round eyes,
and, with a last salute, slowly went out. None
of us spoke, and presently Smugg opened his Thucydides.
For my part, I took very considerable
interest in Pyrrha’s side of the question.
I amused myself by constructing a fancy-born love
of Pyrrha’s for her social superior, and if
he had been one of ourselves, I should have seen no
absurdity. But Smugg refused altogether to fit
into my frame. There was no glamour about Smugg;
and, to tell the truth, I should have thought that
any girl, be her station what it might, faced with
the alternative of Smugg and Joe, would have chosen
Joe. In my opinion, Pyrrha was merely amusing
herself with Smugg, and I was rather comforted by
this reversal of the ordinary roles. Still,
I could not rest in conjecture, and my curiosity led
me up to Dill’s little farm on the afternoon
of the day of Joe’s sudden appearance.
The others let me go alone. Directly after dinner
Smugg went to his bedroom, and the other three had
gone off to play lawn tennis at the vicar’s.
I lit my pipe, and strolled along till I reached the
gate that led to Dill’s meadow. Here I
waited till Pyrrha should appear.
As I sat and smoked, a voice struck
suddenly on my ear the voice of Mrs. Dill,
raised to shrillness by anger.
“Be off with you,” she
said, “and mind your ways, or worse ’ll
happen to you. ’Ere’s your switch.”
After a moment Pyrrha turned the corner,
and came toward me. She was wiping her eyes
with the corner of her apron, and carried in her hand
a light hazel switch, which she used to guide errant
cows. She was almost at the gate before she
saw me. She started, and blushed very red.
“Lor! is it you, Mr. Robertson?” she said.
I nodded, but did not move.
“Let me pass, sir, please. I’ve
no time to stop.”
“What, not to talk to me, Pyrrha Betsy,
“Mother don’t like me talking to gentlemen.”
“You’ve been crying,” said I.
“No, I haven’t,” said Pyrrha, quite
“Mother been scolding you?”
“I wish you’d let me by, sir.”
“It’s all your fault,”
burst out Pyrrha. “I didn’t want
you; no, nor him, either. What do you come and
get me into trouble for?”
“I haven’t done anything, Betsy.
“You aint as bad as some,”
she conceded, a dim smile breaking through the clouds.
“You mean Smugg,” I observed.
“Who told you?” she cried.
“Joe,” said I.
“Seems he’s got a lot to say to everybody,”
she commented resentfully.
“Ah! he told your mother, did he? Well,
you know you shouldn’t, Betsy.”
“I won’t never speak to
him again I meant I won’t ever [the
grammarian is abroad], Mr. Robertson.”
“What! Not to Joe?”
“Joe! No; that Smugg.”
“But Joe told of you.”
“Well, and it was his right.”
If she thought so, I had no more to
say. Notions differ among different sets.
But I pressed the point a little.
“Joe got you your scolding.”
Now, I can’t say whether I did
or did not emphasize the last word unduly, but Pyrrha
blushed again, and remarked:
“You want to know too much, sir, by a deal.”
So I left that aspect to the subject, and continued:
“I suppose it was for letting Mr. Smugg kiss
“I couldn’t help it.”
I had great doubts of that she
could have tackled Smugg with one hand; but I said
“No more could he, I’m sure.”
Pyrrha cast an alarmed glance at the house.
“Oh, I’ll be careful,”
I laughed. “Yes, and I’ll let you
go. But just tell me, Betsy, what do you think
of Mr. Smugg?”
“I don’t think that of
him!” said she, snapping her pretty red fingers.
“Joe ’ud make ten of him. I wish
Joe’d talk to him a bit.”
The end came soon after this, and,
in spite of our attitude (I speak of us four, not
of Smugg) of whole-heartedness, I think it was rather
a shock to us all, when Joe announced one morning,
on his arrival with the chops, that he was to be made
a happy man at the church next day. Smugg was
not in the room, and the rest of us congratulated Joe,
and made up a purse for him to give Pyrrha, with our
best respects, and he bowed himself out, mightily
pleased, and asseverating that we were real gentlemen.
Then we sat and looked at the table.
“It robs us of a resource,”
pronounced Gayford, once again making himself the
mouthpiece of the party. We all nodded, and filled
Presently Smugg sidled in. We
had seen little of him the last week; save when he
was construing he had taken refuge in his own room.
When he came in now, Gayford wagged his head significantly
at me; apparently, it was my task to bell the cat.
I rose, and went to the mantelpiece. Smugg had
sat down at the table, and my back was to him.
I took a match from the box, struck it, and applied
it to my pipe, and, punctuating my words with interspersed
puffings, I said carelessly:
“By the way, Smugg, Pyrrha’s
going to be married to Joe Shanks to-morrow.”
I don’t know how he looked.
I kept my face from him, but, after a long minute’s
pause, he answered:
“Thank you, Robertson.
It’s Aeschylus this morning, isn’t it?”
We had a noisy evening that night.
I suppose we felt below par, and wanted cheering
up. Anyhow, we made an expedition to the grocer’s,
and amazed him with a demand for his best champagne
and his choicest sherry. We carried the goods
home in a bag, and sat down to a revel. Smugg
had some bread and cheese in his own room; he said
that he had letters to write. We dined largely,
and drank still more largely; then we sang, and at
last it was near on twelve, a terrible hour
for that neighborhood we made our way,
amid much boisterousness and horseplay, to bed; where
I, at least, was asleep in five minutes.
As the church clock struck two, I
awoke. I heard a sound of movement in Smugg’s
room next door. I lay and listened. Presently
his door opened, and he creaked gently downstairs.
I sprang out of bed and looked out of the window.
Smugg, fully dressed, was gliding along the path
toward Dill’s farm. Some impulse curiosity
only, very likely made me jump into my
trousers, seize a flannel jacket, draw on a pair of
boots, and hastily follow him. When I got outside
he was visible in the moonlight, mounting the path
ahead of me. He held on his way toward the farm,
I following. When he reached the yard he stopped
for a moment, and seemed to peer up at the windows,
which were all dark and unresponsive. I stood
as quiet as I could, twenty yards from him, and moved
cautiously on again when he turned to the right and
passed through the gate into the meadows.
I saw no signs of Pyrrha. Smugg
held on his way across the meadows, down toward the
stream; and suddenly the thought leaped to my brain
that the poor fool meant to drown himself. But
I could hardly believe it. Surely he must merely
be taking a desperate lover’s ramble, a last
sad visit to the scenes of his silly, irrational infatuation.
If I went up to him, I should look a fool, too; so
I hung behind, ready to turn upon him if need appeared.
He walked down to the very edge of
the stream; it ran deep and fast just here, under
a high bank and a row of old willows. Smugg sat
down on the bank, wet though the grass was, and clasped
his hands over his knees. I crouched down a
little way behind him, ready and alert. I am
a good swimmer, and I did not doubt my power to pull
him out, even if I were not in time to prevent him
jumping in. I saw him rise, look over the brink,
and sit down again. I almost thought I saw him
shiver. And presently, through the stillness
of the summer night, came the strangest, saddest sound;
catching my ear as it drifted across the meadow.
Smugg was sobbing, and his sobs never loud rose
and fell with the subdued stress of intolerable pain.
Suddenly he leaped up, cried aloud,
and flung his hands above his head. I thought
he was gone this time; but he stopped, poised, as it
seemed, over the water, and I heard him cry, “I
can’t, I can’t!” and he sank down
all in a heap on the bank, and fell again to sobbing.
I hope never to see a man if you can call
Smugg a man like that again.
He sat where he was, and I where I
was, till the moon paled and a distant hint of day
discovered us. Then he rose, brushed himself
with his hands, and slunk quickly from the bank.
Had he looked anywhere but on the ground, he must
have seen me; as it was, I only narrowly avoided him,
and fell again into my place behind him. All
the way back to our garden I followed him. As
he passed through the gate, I quickened my pace, overtook
him, and laid my hand on his arm. The man’s
face gave me what I remember my old nurse used to
call “quite a turn.”
“You’re an average idiot,
aren’t you?” said I. “Oh, yes;
I’ve been squatting in the wet by that infernal
river, too. You ought to get three months, by
He looked at me in a dazed sort of way.
“I daren’t,” he said. “I
wanted to, but I daren’t.”
There is really nothing more.
We went to the wedding, leaving Smugg in bed; and
in the evening we, leaving Smugg still in bed (I told
Mary to keep an eye on him), and carrying a dozen
of the grocer’s best port, went up to dance
at Dill’s farm. Joe was polished till I
could almost see myself in his cheek, and Pyrrha looked
more charming than ever. She and Joe were to
leave us early, to go to Joe’s own house in the
village, but I managed to get one dance with her.
Indeed, I believe she wanted a word with me.
“Well, all’s well that
ends well, isn’t it?” I began. “No
more scoldings! Not from Mrs. Dill, anyhow.”
“You can’t let that alone, sir,”
I chuckled gently.
“Oh, I’ll never refer
to it again,” said I. “This is a
fine wedding of yours, Betsy.”
“It’s good of you and the other gentlemen
to come, sir.”
“We had to see the last of you,” and I
sighed very ostentatiously.
Pyrrha laughed. She did not
believe in it, and she knew that I knew she did not,
but the little compliment pleased her, all the same.
“Smugg,” I pursued, “is
ill in bed. But perhaps he wouldn’t have
“If you please, sir ”
Pyrrha began; but she stopped.
“Yes, Betsy? What is it?”
“Would you take a message for me, sir?”
“If it’s a proper one, Betsy, for a married
lady to send.”
She laughed a little, and said:
“Oh, it’s no harm, sir. I’m
afraid he aint he’s rather down, sir.”
“Why, that Smugg, sir.”
“Oh, that Smugg! Why, yes; a little down,
Betsy, I fear.”
“You might tell him as I bear
no malice, sir as I’m not angry with
him, I mean.”
“Certainly,” said I. “It will
probably do him good.”
“He got me into trouble; but
there, I can make allowances; and it’s all right
“In fact you forgive him?”
“I think you might tell him so, sir,”
“But,” said I, “are you aware that
he was another’s all the time?”
“Oh, yes! engaged to be married.”
“Well, I never! Him! What, all the
while he ”
“Well, that beats everything. Oh, if I’d
“I’ll give him your message.”
“No, sir, not now, I thank you. The villain!”
“You are right,” said
I. “I think your mother ought to have scolded
“Now you promised, sir ”
but Joe came up, and I escaped.